literature

Harmless

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timelessarii's avatar
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Literature Text

Drifting in little more than a whisper
isn't fine, nor tedious.
Wafting with the waves only
lifts you far enough to
believe in another side.

Though the crescented sky revealed
the sun's crimson shadow,
I repined that its tenor were mine.
Choice's vice held me to
my promise: wading
safely in the water.

Stop listening to the sharks
and glaze your eyes over
to the bodies facing down, lapping
up water until so gorged they bob
as bloated buoys into the setting
of tomorrow.

Both their eyes and mine are hollow,
chained to the ocean's floor.
This is about ignorance... my friend and I had a fun conversation today about "eps" and "neps". Apparently she had been told about them in the beginning of the school year by her teacher, where an "et" is a person who wants to live a life with more challenge and strife but with more reward/happiness/gain at the end of it where a "net" is a person who wishes to live an almost quiet life where life is easy but there is no particularly great ending to it/reward at the end.

Today (the last day of school aside from finals), her teacher finally told her class that the "eps" are Educated People and the "neps" are Not-Educated People.

I found this was clever and with neps reminding me of nets and thus the water I wrote this :O

Edit: I used water twice on purpose: "wading safely in what is being lapped up by the dead"

Specific questions:

What message did you get from the poem and what did you envision?

How can I make the piece more clear?

How can I make the ending stronger?

How can I improve the word choice of the piece?

Were there any lines you felt could be specifically reworked and improved?

Critique link for for #theWrittenRevolution: [link]
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Adagiobunny's avatar
Last line is so powerful. I find the "choice's vice" interesting - as choice is traditionally viewed as a freedom, but here it is of a choice made, and perhaps regretted...

I am still letting the words sink in but I will be thinking about your words for a long time. :)